Everyone else is doing it so why not me? (That phrase has never led anyone into any problems in life, right?). Here are my fearless predictions for the New Year, 2016…
In the Year 2016…
Donald Trump will win the Republican Presidential nomination. In a brilliant counter move, the Democrats will nominate a turnip up as their candidate. The vast majority of Americans will vote for the turnip for president, soundly defeating Trump because, in the words of common American voter Merle Quackenbush of Iowa, “Voting for the turnip leaves a much better taste in my mouth.”
In further attempts to destroy Christmas, Starbucks will issue a Holiday cup with an image of the Kardashian family acting out the Nativity scene.
As the War on Christmas rages on, the faithful will be driven to celebrate in underground bunkers to avoid the Secret Santa Police.
In a groundbreaking discovery, historians will uncover the truth that the U.S. constitution’s phrase “the right to bear arms” was originally written as “the right to bare arms”. However, the Supreme Court will rule that, due to public safety and aesthetics, licences must be issued along with a two-week waiting period to any overly hairy people wanting to buy tank tops, sleeveless tees and halter tops.
The NHPA (National Hirsute Persons Association) will be formed to combat the Supreme Court decision. Their slogan: “You won’t get my spaghetti straps from me until you pry them from my cold, dead, hairy fingers!”
Mark Zuckerberg will give away millions of dollars of Facebook stock if you LIKE this blog post and SHARE it with your friends today!
Canada will built a giant wall along its border to keep out any Americans who think we say “oot” and “aboot”.
In an unexpected move to counter their threat, the coalition against ISIS will switch from bombing missions to much more effective photobombing missions.
And BOOM! Lots of people will say stuff and then go BOOM! afterwards.
Taylor Swift will post a picture of herself on Instagram doing absolutely nothing interesting. It will get 1,756,890 likes. BOOM!
There will be a horrible play call in this year’s Super Bowl which will be reported with more angst and anguish than the botched Bay of Pigs invasion.
Tom Brady will no longer have to field questions about his inflated and/or deflated balls.
I’m not actually spoiling anything, just predicting you’ll see this a lot in random places, often about things you could care less about. But, dang it, that ***SPOILER ALERT!!! will force you to care!
The follow-up to the popular Man-Bun will be the Man-Cinnabon: Hair done up on each side like cinnamon rolls! Rockin’ it Princess Leia-style!
The world will move on from Metrosexual and Lumbersexual to the next great fashion style for men: Wookiesexual! Rockin’ it Chewbacca-style!
After what seems like a decade, the U.S. presidential election campaign will come to an end. Life will go on. The turnip will be considered the best Leader of the Free World in history. But Miley Cyrus and Justin Bieber will still be out there. My advice? Stay in your bunkers, people, just to be on the safe side.
Those are my fearless predictions for 2016! BOOM! Happy New Year, everybody!