“I went to a restaurant that serves ‘breakfast at any time’. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.”
Great comedy is most certainly an art form and some of the world’s most dangerous creatives are the ones who make us laugh. I am a fan of comedians who use their intelligence, word play and sharp satire in service to the Silly. One of my favorites is the master of the deadpan one-liner. In fact, he is such a master that his picture should be on display next to the Webster’s definition of deadpan one-liner. Below are some of the comedic gems from American comic Steven Wright. If you are familiar with him, you’ll hear these lines in his voice. If you are not familiar with him, you may want to go to YouTube to discover the whole package that is this creative genius.
What’s another word for Thesaurus?
Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.
You can’t have everything. Where would you put it?
For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier… I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.
Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.
I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he’s gone.
Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.
It’s a small world, but I wouldn’t want to have to paint it.
All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.
The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
OK, so what’s the speed of dark?
How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?
If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
Support bacteria – they’re the only culture some people have.
When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don’t have film.
Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.
Dancing is a perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire.
When I’m not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
If at first you don’t succeed, then skydiving definitely isn’t for you.
A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.
For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.
The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
The sooner you fall behind, the more time you’ll have to catch up.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
Change is inevitable….except from vending machines.
A fool and his money are soon partying.
Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.
Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it’s the scenic route.
I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
Borrow money from pessimists-they don’t expect it back.
Half the people you know are below average.
99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.
A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I’m afraid of widths.
I wear my heart on my sleeve. I wear my liver on my pant leg.
Smoking cures weight problems…eventually…
I saw a sign: “Rest Area 25 Miles”. That’s pretty big. Some people must be
really tired.
I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day because that means it’s
going to be up all night.
I bought some powdered water, but I don’t know what to add to it.
I didn’t get a toy train like the other kids. I got a toy subway instead. You
couldn’t see anything, but every now and then you’d hear this rumbling noise go
by.
right-or-ron 