A Year of Creating Dangerously Day 357: At Home

 

Self portrait on color diffusing paper, pen and ink and markers

Ronald Kok, Self portrait on color diffusing paper, pen and markers, 2017

There is very little of the “Christmas Spirit” in this but a whole lot of real.  The season can amplify the battle each of us fights inside. I wrote a psalm about that battle, and the one who won’t leave me in spite of it all, a couple of days ago. Here it is:

At Home

 

Homeless at home in my heart

 

Stubbornly throwing buckets of Hope

On my hopelessness

 

I can’t seem to shake you

 

No matter how far I drift

In the current

 

Dragged along with the weight

Of failures

Regrets

Anger

 

This dark country closes in,

Suffocates me

 

My days are sometimes filled with

Night

 

Nights filled with pain,

Restlessly resting

 

I wonder if I’m fading,

Maybe disappearing

 

A shallow shell that once seemed full

 

Dreams no longer exist even

In dreams

 

My heart punctured, lacerated,

Beat up

 

I want to let go

 

I want you to let go

 

But you won’t

 

Dammit, you won’t

 

A dark heart doesn’t put you off

 

Embracer of failures,

Wrecks

And fools

You put flesh on bleached bones

 

Warmth washing over the icy gaze

 

Hope

 

How is it possible?

 

How can you be Hope

Always

Undefeated

 

You are ignored but

Never offended

 

You are treated like shit

But never despair

 

Despair looks like a tin shack

 

Next to your skyscraper of

Hope

 

You could dwell there,

It’s a perfect fit for you

 

But instead you bed down in squalor

 

At home in my heart

 

-Ronald Kok

December 20, 2017

3 thoughts on “A Year of Creating Dangerously Day 357: At Home

  1. Greg says:

    I’m hoping the writing and visual art is cathartic. You’re not alone brother.

    Your psalm reminds me of some of David’s.

    “I’m tired of all this—so tired. My bed has been floating forty days and nights On the flood of my tears. My mattress is soaked, soggy with tears. The sockets of my eyes are black holes; nearly blind, I squint and grope.”
    ‭‭Psalm‬ ‭6:6-7‬ ‭MSG‬‬

    Or words from Bob:

    I’m going out of my mind, oh,
    With a pain that stops and starts
    Like a corkscrew to my heart
    Ever since we’ve been apart

    I heard him comment on people’s appreciation of this song and the album, “I don’t know how someone can get pleasure out of so much pain”.

    I don’t think it’s please as much as connecting with a shared experience. And, the shared experience offers hope.

    Praying that Hope continues to take root in the squalor of the tin shack.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thanks, Greg. Part of this year has been finding the nerve to put stuff like this out there. The reality is that we all deal with incredibly deep shit in our brains and spirits. It isn’t always fun to live in your own brain. But it is great when people reach out and let you know that you’re not alone, that you’re not (completely) nuts. I greatly appreciate your encouraging words and, even more so,, your presence – albeit virtual. I’ve no doubt about your heart. Peace, brother.

      Like

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