A Year of Creating Dangerously Day 357: At Home


Self portrait on color diffusing paper, pen and ink and markers

Ronald Kok, Self portrait on color diffusing paper, pen and markers, 2017

There is very little of the “Christmas Spirit” in this but a whole lot of real.  The season can amplify the battle each of us fights inside. I wrote a psalm about that battle, and the one who won’t leave me in spite of it all, a couple of days ago. Here it is:

At Home


Homeless at home in my heart


Stubbornly throwing buckets of Hope

On my hopelessness


I can’t seem to shake you


No matter how far I drift

In the current


Dragged along with the weight

Of failures




This dark country closes in,

Suffocates me


My days are sometimes filled with



Nights filled with pain,

Restlessly resting


I wonder if I’m fading,

Maybe disappearing


A shallow shell that once seemed full


Dreams no longer exist even

In dreams


My heart punctured, lacerated,

Beat up


I want to let go


I want you to let go


But you won’t


Dammit, you won’t


A dark heart doesn’t put you off


Embracer of failures,


And fools

You put flesh on bleached bones


Warmth washing over the icy gaze




How is it possible?


How can you be Hope




You are ignored but

Never offended


You are treated like shit

But never despair


Despair looks like a tin shack


Next to your skyscraper of



You could dwell there,

It’s a perfect fit for you


But instead you bed down in squalor


At home in my heart


-Ronald Kok

December 20, 2017