A Year of Creating Dangerously Day 357: At Home

 

Self portrait on color diffusing paper, pen and ink and markers

Ronald Kok, Self portrait on color diffusing paper, pen and markers, 2017

There is very little of the “Christmas Spirit” in this but a whole lot of real.  The season can amplify the battle each of us fights inside. I wrote a psalm about that battle, and the one who won’t leave me in spite of it all, a couple of days ago. Here it is:

At Home

 

Homeless at home in my heart

 

Stubbornly throwing buckets of Hope

On my hopelessness

 

I can’t seem to shake you

 

No matter how far I drift

In the current

 

Dragged along with the weight

Of failures

Regrets

Anger

 

This dark country closes in,

Suffocates me

 

My days are sometimes filled with

Night

 

Nights filled with pain,

Restlessly resting

 

I wonder if I’m fading,

Maybe disappearing

 

A shallow shell that once seemed full

 

Dreams no longer exist even

In dreams

 

My heart punctured, lacerated,

Beat up

 

I want to let go

 

I want you to let go

 

But you won’t

 

Dammit, you won’t

 

A dark heart doesn’t put you off

 

Embracer of failures,

Wrecks

And fools

You put flesh on bleached bones

 

Warmth washing over the icy gaze

 

Hope

 

How is it possible?

 

How can you be Hope

Always

Undefeated

 

You are ignored but

Never offended

 

You are treated like shit

But never despair

 

Despair looks like a tin shack

 

Next to your skyscraper of

Hope

 

You could dwell there,

It’s a perfect fit for you

 

But instead you bed down in squalor

 

At home in my heart

 

-Ronald Kok

December 20, 2017